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We're Off And Running

Herm a posted Aug 3, 16

As the immortal Kirk Lazarus taught us in the movie 'Tropic Thunder', you NEVER want to go full retard.  Unfortunately, it appears an awful lot of applicants have failed to receive this memo because idiots are popping up left and right.  To be fair, a decent portion of these idiots happen to be members of our own guild, but hey, they have earned the right to act dumb, not move for barrage, and come to raids less prepared than Le'Veon Bell comes to a drug test.  Our members have proven over time that they are the best players in the world the only sick mother f'ers willing to put up with our shit for prolonged periods.  A new applicant has proven nothing, so the expectation is that you come with full consumables, a 6 pack of Red Bull, cocaine, or whatever you need to play at your best, and a notepad full of jokes to keep us laughing. 

Despite a few bad apples we have experienced with our recruiting efforts, we have fared very well overall and have managed to pick up several excellent  players and, more importantly, excellent people.  Our Legion roster is beginning to take shape and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel coming faster than the outbreak of deadly viruses at the Rio Olympics.  We originally stated that we would become much more selective with our specific class needs as Legion neared and, well, that day has arrived much sooner than anticipated.  Like a horny 14 year old staring at pictures of  Kate Upton, we have prematurely climaxed and are now restricting our needs to the following:

- 1 Melee DPS (Rogue, Death Knight, Enhancement Shaman, Demon Hunter)

- 1 Warlock

- 1 Hunter

- 1 Balanced Druid

- 1 Healer (Druid, Paladin, Monk, Shaman)

While we are here, let's talk about what we are looking for in an applicant.  First and foremost, we do NOT care if you raided in super guild XZY that cleared content faster than Bernie Sanders alienates his entire support base .  All this feat proves is that you had less of a life than the majority of the human population.  Congratulations?  There's nothing inherently wrong with having been a part of these guilds, but using it as the basis for your recruitment pitch to us is not going to help you.  The amount of times we have heard "I raided with _____ guild 3 years ago and killed things faster than everyone while never leaving my computer and pooping in a sock.  Invite me now for because I can play 50 hours a week and bring the big Deeps" is higher than it ever should be and makes us question the human race as a whole.  Also, if we hear one more person use the words "leet" or "deeps", we are going to join Broxy and make it a mass suicide:

For those wondering, A-side may or may not be a reference to an alternative means of sex popular in some all parts of the world where red blooded males exist.

If you need to review the specifics of what we do and do not want in an applicant, please visit here and read carefully.  Pay special attention to our focus on personality as opposed to just skill.  We are playing a game with a very real skill cap.  No matter how hard you press your keys or how fast you mash your mouse, you can't make your character move faster or hit harder than the game allows.  We certainly expect players to be able to play at the skill cap, but the trick is to be able to do it while simultaneously being enjoyable to hang out with.  The only thing worse than wiping needlessly is genital warts wiping in silence  Whether you support Donald Trump lying more than a New England Patriot's injury report or Hillary Clinton breaking the law more often than Draymond Green punches someone in the dick during a playoff game, the trick is to be able to join in on our spirited debates while still playing your character to perfection.  Our topics are typically wide ranging and touch on everything but Warcraft and we want people to add to that conversation, not drag it down.

If you sound like the type of person who can maintain an extremely high level of play while also maintaining an extremely high level of personality and conversation, please apply here and our merry band of loot whores will be in touch.

Gimped Returns For Legion

Herm a posted Jul 20, 16

In the words of the coolest man alive and all around bad ass The Rock, "Finally...Gimped has COME BACK TO WORLD OF WARCRAFT."  Seven years- that's how long it took us to once again get the itch to kick ass and take names as a group.  An awful lot has changed since we were pimple faced degenerates slaying internet dragons in our parents basements/dorm rooms/whore houses/wherever all those many years ago.  During our layoff, a shitty movie has been made about the game, we have had an African American president, Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner, a fucking airplane somehow disappeared while flying and still hasn't been found, Bill Cosby has turned out to be a disgusting, perverted old man, the Cubs finally won the World Series, Jon Snow has both died AND been revived, and classes have been pruned down to approximately 2 buttons each, meaning even our rusty asses can pick things up quickly.

Things are different since we were screaming in Ventrilo as we downed bosses several expansions ago, but one thing that has not changed is our competitive drive and nature.  While we have no interest in devoting 30+ hours a week to the game  to chase mythical trophies for achieving world firsts anymore, we do still have a desire to remain at the cutting edge and want to tackle content when it is fresh, new, and unknown.  In order to continue challenging ourselves on the most difficult encounters, we will be exclusively focusing on mythic raiding and everything that goes with it.  To that end, we are looking for a handful of outstanding people to join our ranks for the start of Legion.  What does it take to become part of the few, the proud, the Gimped?  While it may seem like we throw darts at a dartboard to determine who we accept and who we deny, we promise you there is a method to our madness.  We have learned over the years that good players come and go, but good players who are actually enjoyable to play with are few and far between.  We have always been notoriously picky with our recruiting, expecting players to be both talented and enjoyable, which can be a novel concept in an online video game.



Contrary  to seemingly every other high end guild, being available to raid ungodly amounts of time will not give you a leg up on any other applicant.  While we will congratulate you if you desire to play this game 24/7, we have no use for such extreme playtime.  Our focus is on keeping our time spent playing to a reasonable enough level that we are actually able to experience life outside of the basement (oh god, the sun, it burns!).  Additionally, being the bast damn player on the planet will do you no good unless you have a personality to back it up.  Killing bosses is fun and can be an enjoyable experience, but killing bosses with 19 people who you secretly want to stab in the throat is like getting a blowjob while undergoing a root canal.



With that being said, the ability to play your class at a very high level is a must and a requirement for joining the guild.  With a more limited schedule than many other guilds, we can't afford to spend time waiting around while people learn to move out of fire, dodge ghosts, or interrupt adds.  Being the most personable human being in the world is an asset, but unfortunately you also need to be able to press your keys and click your mouse in a way that will be a benefit to our raid.

Additionally, while we are not interested in those who have made it a priority to become a professional World of Warcraft player, we do require that applicants be available for just about 100% of our raids.  With only 16 hours of raiding a week (at the absolute maximum), we can't afford to have people consistently gone, showing up late, or leaving early.  Our raid days and times are as follows:

  • Tuesday- 6:30 PM to 10:30 PM
  • Wednesday- 6:30 PM to 10:30 PM
  • Thursday- 6:30 PM to 10:30 PM
  • Sunday- 6:30 PM to 10:30 PM

***Please note that these times are PST, meaning our raids begin at 8:30 PM Central/9:30 PM Eastern and end at 12:30 AM Central/1:30 AM Eastern***

It is important that you are available for nearly 100% of our raid schedule.  We understand life happens and would never want someone to miss out on a test at school, their children's birthday, a booty call with a drunken slut hottie, an important deadline at work, etc...  However, barring the unexpected/unavoidable, you should believe you have no problem maintaining this raid schedule on a regular basis before applying.



Are you confused yet?  Does it sound like we are talking out of both sides of our mouth?  Are you still reading this for some reason?  Here's an easy to follow list of the "do's" and "dont's" for applicant's interested in joining:



DO

  • Play the game at a high level
  • Have a life outside of the game (sports, sex, religion, who cares- just do something)
  • Enjoy taking on difficult content like Hodor enjoys holding the door
  • Be available for near 100% of our raids
  • Have a personality
  • Enjoy progress raids like Kim Kardashian enjoys sex tapes
  • Be outgoing and join in our banter (no matter how juvenile it may become)
  • Be competitive and have a desire to push yourself at all times
  • Like hookers and blow
  • Have the ability to play more than 1 class/specc

DON'T

  • Suck at the game
  • Talk only about WoW (we are as excited about patch XYZ as anyone, but let's talk football )
  • Consistently miss raids, show up late to raids, or leave early for raids
  • Treat females in the guild like they are leper pariahs
  • Hit on every female in the game like they are the last woman on Earth.  Have some standards
  • Cause drama like you are a 16 year old girl
  • React to difficult content or situations like a Beverly Hills Housewife
  • Care more about the items you acquire than the people you play with

If you are able to fit all the "Do" items, including except for the hookers and blow, while also avoiding all of the "Don't" items, you may just be Gimped material (may god have mercy on your soul).  You may now proceed here to submit an application to our communist regime (please do not pass go and do not collect $200).

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